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It is weird. I feel like writing, stories, filled with hope and dreams and glimpses of worlds never before seen. Then the mood passes and I feel that door to the world I have seen, slowly close and seal itself, never to be opened again. Footsteps echoing hauntingly down a deserted stone hallway. Reverberating and bouncing from wall to wall down to the depths of myself, to that small scared, never shown self. Filling me with unknown longing and wonder. Sometimes, when I am walking outside I will simply stare at the world around me. It is funny how we can live our whole life without ever really living. To simply exist. I sometimes wonder if I am truly meant to be something in this world. I always seem to look at things so much differently than everyone else. I smile when others are silent, I laugh when no one is around…I am different. When I am all alone I feel as though I am mere inches from some great truth that I am supposed to find and understand, but can never reach. As though. It must have been the combination of alcohol and weed that turned the conversation sexual, and she was quizzing me about why I didn't have a serious girlfriend and wasn't I fed up of 'playing the field'. "Doesn't a nice looking young man like you want to settle down" etc. etc. Then she got a bit more full on and starting asking me about how many women I'd been with and what sort of experiences I had had. I told her about a few of them, including the one almost 2 years before with Tracey over the road, who was 17 years older than me (see 'The Older Women Experience' story for further details!). This one in particular seemed to pique her interest and she asked me if I had a thing for older women, and if a 17 year gap wasn't an issue for me, how much more of a gap would be too much? I now had the feeling this was going somewhere a bit weird, but that alcohol and weed combination was blocking any normal impulse to resist. And when she put her arm around me and pulled me in to kiss me, I.
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